I Filmed Myself Until I Stopped Hating It

aka “I, Me, Myself”

aka “How Do I Talk to THE VOID”

a video essay about me, you, staring into the abyss, and the creative process that makes it feel a bit better

I’m Veronica, a writer, comedian, and creative endeavourer.

I endeavour to create, but I have problems.

The process of making this video:

January 28 1:22AM: Filmed myself, stream of conscious 1 hr
January 29 AM/PM: Watched (1hr), did first assembly (1 hr), hated it (10 min), created additional content to fill in gaps and clarify (30 min?)
January 30: First draft complete, reviewed by S, additional content added (10 m), more cut (3hr)
Jan 31-Feb 4: Continue until satisfied (6-7hr?)
Feb 5: Final additional content (8 m), sound edit, posted

What’s the point of this video?

To get comfortable on camera.

I couldn’t sleep the night of January 27. I was thinking about the abyss, the void that is the camera lens. Nietzsche said, when you stare into the abyss, it stares also into you, and when you fight monsters, you must be careful not to become one yourself.

I have problems, and I don’t know what they are. I don’t usually think of them; they are most felt by me, but most observable to others.

This video essay is a self-administered clinical observation, a test to figure out if I can see my problems the way an impartial observer might, in an attempt to solve them or at least learn to work with them.

One of them is impulsivity. I want to chat, I want to share. It is a fun impulse, but it diverts me away from the point. My impulses lead to distraction, causing delays.

Another problem is a fear of you, the stranger on the other side of this versation. It’s not really a conversation, because so few of you converse with me, but you are here and I am here, and you are reading this thing I have written. That’s a kind of human interaction, and you can do with it as you will.

Veronica.

In this experiment, I wanted to focus on the “camera shy” problem. I discovered that maybe that’s not my actual issue, that the “impulsivity” problem leads to issue that make me feel bad. In chasing impulses, I became less predictable and liked the end product less.

I also found solutions.

Giving myself homework helped. Having something to focus on during the other task helped to avoid distraction. I paid more attention to the task when I had something to log about it.

1) Being diligent in cutting myself off when rambling — not stopping the thought, but cutting and starting a new video when a new thought surfaced. I gave myself 1 hr, then 10 min, then 2 min. It helped me get my thoughts across faster and more concisely, which makes edits faster.

2) Being kinder to myself. Negativity is not helpful.

3) Pushing through. Finding ways to fill in the gaps left by impulsive thoughts. Found some creative solutions though this.

Over the course of this work, I stitched together a portrait of myself as I was in a moment of self-discovery. Frazzled, excited, bored, frustrated, distracted, diligent, particular, peculiar, and honest.

And now I’m sharing it with you.

My goal for 2026 is to finish more projects and to get inside ideas out.

This is as done as I think I can make it. Perfect? Far from.

But do I hate it? Not right now.

Reviews

I’ve shown it to some friends and they liked it. I got great feedback on the editing, and the music. On YouTube, CBruceNL wrote, “A future version of myself is enjoying your next video very much.”

🙂

Highs Below Zero